Can i not drive my cunt home
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
