I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
