I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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