I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even my vagina gasped.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
