i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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