Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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