I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
