got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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