Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
