Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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