the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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