if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
