Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
