so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
