She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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