sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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