I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
