Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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