She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Found the puke drawer
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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