he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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