if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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