It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize