It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dick very happy bro
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
