He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
