Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
