this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize