Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
