I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
