you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
