batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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