I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
