moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
