If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
