I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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