woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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