It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
