my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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