upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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