i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
