my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
