sarcasm needs its own font
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
