We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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