Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize