Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
