I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
