I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
