This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The power of my boobs compel you
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
