i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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