i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
