I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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