I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
