She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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