Whod you bang
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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