Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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