i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
