Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
PANTIES FOUND
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
